finger fives & kitchen dances

love note to my girls:

In a way, spending every single day with my girls is exhausting, draining and at certain moment's extremely frustrating. But there are always moments that make all of this worth it.

Like when I think about the special bond that Hayden and I have. How I can look at her a certain way and she will smile. I look at her a different way and she laughs. I laugh. I have this unbelievable bond that is just so heart warming. We also do Eskimo kisses daily. Rubbing our noses together, and then I say "ok, I want butterfly kisses now" and she will smile and get even closer and blink her eyelashes really fast against mine.

{this reminds me, I have also taught this little lady how to properly ask her father for something -- with full-on "pretty eyes" (blinking them, of course) this was my secret weapon against my step-dad, worked like a charm}

Then there's this new thing that we do. When she does something great in her highchair while eating, whether it be eating all of her food or saying please and thank you {she is really good at this now, with no prompting}.. instead of giving high fives, we do finger fives. We use our index finger and high five it. This was started because her hands would be covered in food. I mean covered. She is the messiest eater around, no matter what you give her. Ha. So, to keep my hands as clean as possible but still show her how awesome she is, we finger five it. Now this is done everywhere, not just in the highchair. It's our little thing. Just like our Eskimo & Butterfly kisses. Absolutely love it.

Then there's Bailey. Since she has been so alert since birth, I've felt such a strong connection with her through her eyes. Now that her little expressions are really corresponding with the emotion that I see in her eyes, it makes it that much more magical.

Bailey and I have this routine now... the past 4 mornings while my coffee is brewing and Hayden is eating breakfast, Bailey and I dance. I put on Colbie Caillat's "Brighter Than the Sun" and dance around in the kitchen. Rocking back and forth staring at my beautiful baby that our Lord has blessed us with. All of my problems and worries seem so meaningless and insignificant. It puts what really matters into perspective. You can take away my car, my house, my money. As long as I have my husband and my babies, life is good.

Dancing with my daughter and seeing her smile. So innocent and happy. No problems that she's aware of. Just happily dancing in her mommy's arms. Her eyes and her smiles are as big as can be. She's going to have a killer smile. Mark my words.

There really is no greater of a bond or love than that of a mother and her children. I am so blessed and I look forward to dancing with my baby every morning for as long as she will allow me to. I pray that Hayden will be older than 7 when she feels it's no-longer cool to give her Mommy Eskimo & Butterfly kisses. I am so incredibly grateful for these moments.

xoxo,
Mama

oh, this is a good life

Every morning I wake up to my girls. One resting next to my breast and the other jabbering and sometimes if I'm lucky a little singing, through the monitor.

I was able to play around with some picture taking yesterday :) these were my results with 10 minutes of playing around. She gets so darn fussy, so quick.

Every day I get to play with Hayden. She gets it now. It's amazing. The simplest things make her smile.  There is this look I give her, kinda like a peek-a-boo look, like I'm peering from behind something, but I'm not [laughs] and omgosh, it gets her smile going. It's followed by squeals and a high pitched maaaa-meeee! Greatest sound ever. I can't help but smile and keep doing it. Over and over. Until she's almost in tears from laughing.

You would never think this girl laughs because I can never get her to smile on camera. Once she sees the camera out, she bolts for anything that she can hide behind.  That's okay. My little monkey.
 

Bailey smiles. Regularly. She's 25 days today. She only smiles when we are coo-ing with her or when I give her Eskimo kisses. It melts my heart and literally brings tears to my eyes. Her smile is magic.

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Despite having hard moments sometimes. Despite being oh so very tired. Despite having some baby blues. I am so very happy. So very thankful for every day. So blessed. I recognize this and the fact that I have an amazing life. Amazing family. Amazing friends.

little toes make me happy

70's bell bottoms do, too. Did you know that's a fall trend this year? My obsession with style blogs told me so.

Hello Kitty tattoos makes Hayden happy.

I have a serious question...

When I thought I wanted another baby, Hayden was roughly 10 months old. I didn't take into consideration that she had just mastered crawling. Walking, running, tantrums and just becoming a little person of her own was still months away. Garit and I both wanted our children to be close and we figured our best bet to get this was to have them close in age.

What the heck was I thinking? When does it get easier with two babies? Because truly, that is exactly what they are. Sure Hayden can communicate, but there is still a lot that she doesn't understand-on a communication level as well as why this baby is getting a ton of attention. I suppose this would be an adjustment for her at any age, but please tell me...when does it get easier? When am I going to see a light at the end? I'm only on day 18 into this beautiful mess and every morning I wake up saying to myself "I hope today is the day it just clicks. I hope today is easier."

Today is not the day. Bailey woke up every two hours last night to feed and was extremely gassy. Gassy=fussy. I don't think I slept more than 3 hours last night. Hayden woke up calling for me with every possible name she could think of. Mom, mama, ma, mommy, Mom, Mom, Mom. I let this go on for 15 minutes. Is that bad? I needed just 15 more minutes of rest before the storm.

When I got Hayden, she greeted me with smiles. I thought "well that's a good start". I went to let our two yorkies out of their crate to pee outside. I realized one of them peed and pooed in their crate.

Deep breath. It's not the end of the world, just one more thing I have to do. Well, two. Now I have to bathe them along with clean their crate.

I threw some coffee in a mug and downed it. There was no time to enjoy it if I wanted to drink it hot. I put Hay in her highchair with a cinnamon roll and some milk...along with one of her favorite shows on the television. I hate the television. That will have to be a whole other post.

I fed Bailey, which she struggled to latch for 20 minutes for only God knows why. It's only on the right breast that we have ever had an issue.


So, this has been my morning for the past hour an a half. I still have a whole day of this and I need to some how conquer laundry, dishes, pick up the front room and Hay's room. Bathe the dogs & clean their crate. Sanitize everything in the bathroom. Bailey's cord finally fell off, so she really could use a bath as well. Now I just feel like I'm rambling.

Some where in all of this, I really need to take care of myself. Like, eat maybe? Make sure I'm drinking my fluids so I actually keep my milk this time. Pee without a baby on my boob and a toddler following me in the bathroom.

One day it has to get better right? Seriously. It has to. Or am I really just not cut out for this like I originally thought? I think I may have bit off more than I can chew.

I'm really going to do it.

So, I may just trek out of the house for the first time with both girls today. I haven't been out of the house yet with either one of them since the c-section...All to do what, you ask?

This might sound extremely vain. You can judge me. But please don't, unless you look 4 months pregnant, and aren't.

I want to buy my first pair of...Spanx! Gasp. I know.

This, however, I think will boost my confidence like a new hair cut. Why not just get my hair cut then? Garit won't let me. Not in like "I'm a crazy and won't let my fiance cut her hair" he actually made a few valid points...

1. When I start to work out, I won't be able to just put my hair up and work it. The it being my flabby post-baby body.

2. Having my hair short while 20 lbs overweight will only make me feel more insecure (rounder face + short hair, not extremely flattering on me)

3. Cutting my hair should be used as a reward system. Kinda like when you lose this much weight, you can cut your hair so you look and feel EVEN better than you did from just losing the weight!

So, he sold me on letting my hair grow until I lose all my weight.

This is what I used to look like, pre-babies and short hair...

So the next best thing next to a new hair cut? Spanx.

As gross as it is, I will post before and after pictures with the lovely Spanx on. Hopefully it looks like someone did some magic on my poor little belly.


Did I mention I'm in a wedding that is going to be GORGEOUS and surrounded by GORGEOUS people on a yatch? It's 5 weeks away. It's depressing that I can't even work out or diet to try to slim down a bit. I'm praying that these spanks will do an number on me. Like make me loose two dress sizes. HA.


If Hayden takes a nice nap this morning and I'm feeling up to it still, I'll be taking my first trip to the mall. Thought of the moment, Target should really sell Spanx. Just for this occassion and the fact that I would feel way less uncomfortable with a baby crying or tantrum throwing toddler in Target rather than in Nordstrom.

Did I mention Hayden has become a little terror and I feel like all my parenting skills have flown out the window? I thought I was on top of it. I thought I was on the right track as far as raising her...but with this baby addition, it seems to have rocked her little world, in turn rocking my world (not in an awesome way). Not too sure what I'm doing anymore. Two in the mix leaves way less time to reevaluate parenting techniques and it's making my rope of patience way shorter.

our precious addition.

I have been procrastinating when it comes to writing this post. Maybe because I'm afraid once I actually write it, time will just slip away. Maybe because I'm not completely sure of how I feel about my experience and if I write about it, my emotions will get the best of me.

This is something that I haven't talked about with anyone, except for my friend, our photographer, Amy. Today I started to open up about my experience of meeting our new baby. I (not surprisingly) started to get really emotional when I tried explaining how having a c-section changed everything for me. I knew this bothered me. This is when I realized it was time. Time to write about it and hopefully move on.

When I gave birth to Hayden, naturally, I had never felt such a joyous feeling. Pushing her out with all the anticipation of meeting my baby girl. Then holding and caressing her while tears flowed and while there were probably 6 people in the room, maybe more, all I recall is Garit, I and Hayden.

This is what I envisioned for this child. I couldn't wait to experience this high of happiness again. I was as anxious to experience this again as I was to meet my baby. Except it went nothing like I expected.

Bailey Nichole Wallace was born Saturday, August 20,at 6:09 am. This was 9 days past my due date. I was beyond done. We had an appointment at 1 am that same day to be induced, however, starting that prior Thursday I experienced my first real contractions. They continued and got even more painful. On Friday they continued. I knew it was time. I had Garit stay on stand by. I wanted to labor at home as long as possible. This was part of my birth plan. 17 hours into the day I had enough. The contractions were every 5 minutes apart and I knew I still had to drop Hay off at my parents which was 45 minutes away and coming home on a Friday night during rush hour could take anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. This scared me a bit. But we made it to the hospital around 6. I was already 6 centimeters and they determined that I was in full labor. They broke my water at 8:30 and I started to pick up with contractions to every 3 minutes. Next came the pitocin to speed the process along since I wasn't effacing as fast as I was dilating. 9 1/2 centimeters later I was only 70% effaced. They moved me in different positions for a few hours to try and get me to efface more on the left and right side. I wasn't progressing- in fact, the doctor determinded that I was actually becoming swollen. I was going backwards in effacement. When he told me this, I felt the tears come. I knew it was over. He didn't say it, but he didn't have to. I had been on pitocin for 9 hours and there was no progress and now I was actually regressing. My heart has never felt so hurt. My mom and Garit were the only ones there with me. 5:30 am comforting me while I balled my eyes out. Continually reassuring me that it would be fine. We just want a healthy baby.

I made the final decision to go forward with the c-section. The doctor was really nice about it, knowing that this was the last thing that I wanted to happen. He assured me that this was going to be the result, his guess was that she was too big to fit through my pelvis and that was the reason for the swelling.

I felt like my body had failed me. I was being defeated and cheated out of my birthing experience. I felt like all the laboring, all the lost sleep, all the anticipation to the main event of pushing my baby out and holding her for the first time. Garit by my side. Just the three of us soaking up everything in that moment. A moment that I will never forget that was experienced with our first child. It wouldn't happen with our second, or any of our future children. It literally breaks my heart. I am in tears over it.

I was wheeled into the OR and Garit joined me. I was shaking as I laid on the bed with my arms outstretched and strapped to the table. All I felt were tears running down the sides of my face and Garit wiping them away. I hear all of the nurses, doctors and who ever else was in the room hustling around us. There was no way we were going to have our moment- or anything close to it. This made me cry even harder. It was nothing like I had pictured.

Once they pulled her out, I heard her scream- yes, scream (boy, she has some lungs on her) a new set of tears came. They were happy tears. My baby was here. I couldn't see her because of the blue opporating sheet in front of me, but I could hear her.

They cleaned her up, weighed her and did all the routine stuff I suppose while they started to fix me. Honestly, the c-section was very uncomfortable. I felt tons of pressure and pulling and pushing of skin and organs. Not a good experience. Not sure I will ever want to experience it again.

I was shown my baby girl, all wrapped up for maybe a total of 5 seconds. It wasn't enough. They then asked Garit to leave with the baby while they finished up with me. I'm not sure how long that took, but it felt like an hour. The tears came rolling again. That's all I remember doing in that time of being alone. I think one of the doctors even asked if I was ok. Sure. My baby was healthy, that's all I can ask for, right?

I suppose I'm way more upset about this than I originally thought. I've been ugly crying through writing this whole thing. I'm going to blame my hormones on part of it.

I will be uploading new pictures tomorrow of baby Bailey : ) My precious Bailey.

Bailey Nichole Wallace
9 lbs 4 oz
21 1/4 inches

waiting

So often I'm sitting at the kitchen table, doing whatever it is I'm doing, and I look over at Hayden and the expression she has on her face is priceless. I always seem to have some sort of music going on my laptop {love Pandora} and while looking at my daughter doing whatever amazing thing she's doing...whether it be her turning in circles to the music, or just giving me that look that melts my heart because she's the only person that can give me butterflies of such happiness with just her smile- for no particular reason other than her mommy is there with her...I wish I had my camera out.

Wow. Longest run-on sentence ever.  If you got through it, props to you.

I take mental pictures of the moment. It's not enough. I miss my camera so much. It's packed away in the hospital bag because I know in the rush of the moment of going to the hospital, it will get left behind if it's not securely in it's place in the delivery bag...

As anxious as I am to meet my baby girl, I am just as anxious to start capturing every moment with my camera. The small grimises that we call a smile even when it's followed by a fart, the cries that she lets out when she wants to nestle my breast to eat and be comforted. I seriously can't wait.

It's like my love for photography is growing all over again, all in anticipation of the possibilities and the fact that I feel I've been deprived of my camera and editing due to lack of movement and 3rd trimester exhaustion.

I am just a mom with a camera and a dream. I know how fast they grow up and I want to capture every moment so I can look back and just smile.

For now, photobooth will have to do.

simple things

Today I was able to go to Target and aimlessly wander the isles with no intention of buying anything but diaper rash cream and a new tooth brush for Hay (she chewed her previous one until the brissles went left and right rather than up).

However, whenever I walk down the office supplies isle, I feel like a kid going to Disneyland for the first time. I seriously get so giddy...and since I didn't have Hay with me, which is a rarity in itself, I didn't have to quickly glance down the isle while praying she doesn't catch a glimpse of the Hello Kitty binders or the "prissess" (princess) stickers.

I splurged on a eco-friendly notebook that I decided would be dedicated to my random doodling, endless lists and my many crazy ideas that I come up with throughout the day. But what's a new notebook without new pens? : ) Made my day.

Going through old photos, also made my day.

 Hahaha. Love you, Hayden. Even had some looks at 8 months...

Solutions, meditation & OB appointment

Since my last post, I decided that I need to be proactive in finding a solution to my personality flaw. Step #1 was to remove all the things that make me go through this awful thought process of caring what other people think.

The biggest  most obvious problem in my life regarding my situation...Facebook. Horrible. I know. But I deactivated my personal Facebook. It was probably the best thing I could have done. I feel so much better already. Happier.

Why? I have no clue. But I do know that I have so much more time on my hands since saying "tata for now" to the social network.  I have absolutely all my attention on Hayden and Garit. It feels amazing. I love this change I've made and honestly, I'm not sure I'll ever go back to the infamous Facebook.

I have also devoted my free time, while Hayden naps of course, to meditation. I love it, except for the part where I am really able to let go...Baby A really seems to get a kick out of it and goes crazy!  Like, literally. I worry about her. And then of course, it breaks my zen and I get frustrated and feel sick from all of the crazy movement of a 6 lb baby making waves in my belly. So, I may be backing off from meditating for a while. Sad day.

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I have an OB appointment today. Yippee! Last week I started losing my mucous plug {yummy, right?} so I'm hoping that I am at least starting to dilate and show some sort of promise that this baby will be joining us in this world sooner than later {crosses fingers}. Hopefully Hayden will behave as well as she did at the last appointment...this one is scheduled during her nap time, so really, it can go either way. Say a little prayer for me, please!

Since I seemed to have mommy brain 24/7, I didn't post my picture from last week. 

Here I am 35 weeks pregnant.

Here is this weeks photo. I'm not exactly sure why the belly looks smaller? I'm sure it has to do with her position in the belly.

36 weeks

ETA: So you are probably wondering, does she live in sweats and tank tops? Sure do. Pretty much everyday-but I do dress up when I leave the house ;) 

Poop. Poop. and more POOP.

Between this horrific sore throat that crept up on me within the past 5 hours and my brain refusing to shut off...along with Baby A tickling my ribs, it seems impossible to get any sleep tonight. 

It's approximately 11 on a Sunday night and I am up thinking about blogging. Obsessed. I wont deny it.

As for the title of this post...poop...this is what I thought I would share with you. Literally.

Yesterday, we had a fun day at my parents house. Hayden got to go in the spa with my dad and sisters and wore herself out after only two hours.

She napped on the way home and as well as in her room when we finally got home (it was a 45 minute drive...I hate the drive to my parents) Anyways, we thought it would be a great idea to nap as well. So we nap for an hour or so and then we wake up to her playing in her room. 

I tell G that I'm not ready to get up yet...I needed just 20 more minutes. He said "Cool. No problem." I quickly drift back to sleep until I hear G yelling "No, No No!" and then I hear the back door open and slam shut. My mind is still half asleep as I try to piece together a scenario...then I hear G's heavy footsteps 

{I laugh as I type this because he is so freakin' loud when he walks down our halls...it's like he stomps or something hahahha}

and then I hear the bath start in Hay's bathroom. So, I roll out of bed to see what all the excitement is about.

As I opened our bedroom door, I smelled the stench coming down our hall. I knew exactly what had happened. Poop. Hayden was wearing a dress and she had experienced a massive blowout and had decided to play in it. Literally, there was shit everywhere. I started gagging as I walked into the bathroom. 

Our convo:

me: Hunny, why didn't you come get me?

him: You asked for 20 minutes so I was going to give you it

me: UMMMM there is shit everywhere. On her bed rails, her bed sheets, the carpet, her toys...everywhere. You were going to let me sleep? LOL! 

him: {he smiles}yes, I knew you were tired.

I guess he gets an "A" for thought but and "F" for effort since it seemed as though he was trying to wake me up with his yelling, door slamming and foot stomping. Bahahahaha!

Oh, and about the yelling...I asked what that was all about. He proceeded to tell me that as he was changing her diaper, she decided to grab herself-poop and all. I couldn't help but laugh and shake my head...and gag. We both found it funny by this point even though I could tell he was so incredibly stressed out still.

I made a deal with him, I would clean the room if he cleaned her. He gladly took me up on the offer. He told me if he cleaned the room, I would be having to go in a re-clean it after he threw up in it. Ya. It was that bad. Oh the joy of having kids! :0)

I'll spare you any pictures. {I didn't take any! Promise.)