Tuesday, August 30, 2011

our precious addition.

I have been procrastinating when it comes to writing this post. Maybe because I'm afraid once I actually write it, time will just slip away. Maybe because I'm not completely sure of how I feel about my experience and if I write about it, my emotions will get the best of me.

This is something that I haven't talked about with anyone, except for my friend, our photographer, Amy. Today I started to open up about my experience of meeting our new baby. I (not surprisingly) started to get really emotional when I tried explaining how having a c-section changed everything for me. I knew this bothered me. This is when I realized it was time. Time to write about it and hopefully move on.

When I gave birth to Hayden, naturally, I had never felt such a joyous feeling. Pushing her out with all the anticipation of meeting my baby girl. Then holding and caressing her while tears flowed and while there were probably 6 people in the room, maybe more, all I recall is Garit, I and Hayden.

This is what I envisioned for this child. I couldn't wait to experience this high of happiness again. I was as anxious to experience this again as I was to meet my baby. Except it went nothing like I expected.

Bailey Nichole Wallace was born Saturday, August 20,at 6:09 am. This was 9 days past my due date. I was beyond done. We had an appointment at 1 am that same day to be induced, however, starting that prior Thursday I experienced my first real contractions. They continued and got even more painful. On Friday they continued. I knew it was time. I had Garit stay on stand by. I wanted to labor at home as long as possible. This was part of my birth plan. 17 hours into the day I had enough. The contractions were every 5 minutes apart and I knew I still had to drop Hay off at my parents which was 45 minutes away and coming home on a Friday night during rush hour could take anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. This scared me a bit. But we made it to the hospital around 6. I was already 6 centimeters and they determined that I was in full labor. They broke my water at 8:30 and I started to pick up with contractions to every 3 minutes. Next came the pitocin to speed the process along since I wasn't effacing as fast as I was dilating. 9 1/2 centimeters later I was only 70% effaced. They moved me in different positions for a few hours to try and get me to efface more on the left and right side. I wasn't progressing- in fact, the doctor determinded that I was actually becoming swollen. I was going backwards in effacement. When he told me this, I felt the tears come. I knew it was over. He didn't say it, but he didn't have to. I had been on pitocin for 9 hours and there was no progress and now I was actually regressing. My heart has never felt so hurt. My mom and Garit were the only ones there with me. 5:30 am comforting me while I balled my eyes out. Continually reassuring me that it would be fine. We just want a healthy baby.

I made the final decision to go forward with the c-section. The doctor was really nice about it, knowing that this was the last thing that I wanted to happen. He assured me that this was going to be the result, his guess was that she was too big to fit through my pelvis and that was the reason for the swelling.

I felt like my body had failed me. I was being defeated and cheated out of my birthing experience. I felt like all the laboring, all the lost sleep, all the anticipation to the main event of pushing my baby out and holding her for the first time. Garit by my side. Just the three of us soaking up everything in that moment. A moment that I will never forget that was experienced with our first child. It wouldn't happen with our second, or any of our future children. It literally breaks my heart. I am in tears over it.

I was wheeled into the OR and Garit joined me. I was shaking as I laid on the bed with my arms outstretched and strapped to the table. All I felt were tears running down the sides of my face and Garit wiping them away. I hear all of the nurses, doctors and who ever else was in the room hustling around us. There was no way we were going to have our moment- or anything close to it. This made me cry even harder. It was nothing like I had pictured.

Once they pulled her out, I heard her scream- yes, scream (boy, she has some lungs on her) a new set of tears came. They were happy tears. My baby was here. I couldn't see her because of the blue opporating sheet in front of me, but I could hear her.

They cleaned her up, weighed her and did all the routine stuff I suppose while they started to fix me. Honestly, the c-section was very uncomfortable. I felt tons of pressure and pulling and pushing of skin and organs. Not a good experience. Not sure I will ever want to experience it again.

I was shown my baby girl, all wrapped up for maybe a total of 5 seconds. It wasn't enough. They then asked Garit to leave with the baby while they finished up with me. I'm not sure how long that took, but it felt like an hour. The tears came rolling again. That's all I remember doing in that time of being alone. I think one of the doctors even asked if I was ok. Sure. My baby was healthy, that's all I can ask for, right?

I suppose I'm way more upset about this than I originally thought. I've been ugly crying through writing this whole thing. I'm going to blame my hormones on part of it.

I will be uploading new pictures tomorrow of baby Bailey : ) My precious Bailey.

Bailey Nichole Wallace
9 lbs 4 oz
21 1/4 inches







3 comments:

  1. oh mama. you have every right to feel this way but i saw you loving on this sweet baby girl today and that, in the end is all that matters. it's all love and you were adorable with her. life is just dumb sometimes and things rarely go as planned. she's here, she's chunky, healthy and eats like a champ. I think that it's great that you are talking about it. While I don't have kids, I assure you that you are not alone in feeling this way. The intensity of these feeling will surely fade as your love grows for this spunky, determined and perfectly gorgeous babe. roll with it. breathe her in and just blame it on that darn little size 5 pelvis of yours. ;) much love mama.

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  2. Bless your heart. I can't imagine what you were feeling but I remember when you said you had to have a c-section my heart broke for you. Your little Bailey is amazing and beautiful, and I know your going through some serious emotions right now but know you did all you could to get her here the way you wanted too. :-) Sending you big hugs, and glad to have been able to read this!

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  3. Oh dear Brianna . . .
    I TOTALLY understand how you feel. My last baby ended up being an emergency C-section (almost 17 years ago) and to THIS DAY, I STILL feel ripped off! I was put to sleep tho since it was an emergency and some part (not his head-he had turned during labor) of him was already coming out. I cried because my husband couldn't even go in the OR with me (only because it was an emergency-not cuz I'm THAT old-hehe). THEN, afterward, I heard the Dr. trying to wake me saying I had a healthy BIG baby but I couldn't open my eyes. I still think they saw this big pregnant lady laying there and thought I needed way more to knock me out than I did, cuz I could hear nurses talking in the background about me. My husband was there, but I couldn't move or open my eyes. It was a horrible feeling. They knew in advance that I wanted to nurse my baby so didn't want to give him a bottle but I could hear them talking in the background saying he was hungry and they were asking me if I wanted to feed my baby but I couldn't even open my mouth to answer. I heard one of them tell another, "she doesn't WANT to hold her baby"! WHAT?!?! I can't even open my eyes much less hold a baby! Finally they let my husband give him a bottle. I was crying inside hysterically.
    In the end, I know that I could never have given birth to him because he weighed 10lb.7oz. and after having a 9lb.10oz. baby and getting all ripped up inside and he came out with a broken colar bone, I KNOW I could never have had this one in the normal fashion. It would have been nice tho if there would have been a clue that this one was gonna be a big baby so as to avoid the emergency part of it and allow me to be awake and have my husband with me. I'd STILL feel ripped off because as you so beautifully described bringing Hayden into the world, there's just nothing to compare. But when I still find myself contemplating Casey's birth and feeling ripped off, I remind myself that I could never have had him in the normal fashion. I just wish I couldn't still hear that nurse's voice in my mind saying I didn't want to hold my baby. :( My guess is that yours and mine are the types of deliveries that babies and mommies didn't make it thru many years ago-before C-sections and I thank God that we have our babies and also that we had the opportunity to experience the beauty of a normal delivery. And should you have more babies, I believe that you may still be able to experience the wonder you experienced having Hayden. You don't always have to have a C-section because you've had one.
    God Bless you Brianna and you're beautiful family and know that you're feelings are perfectly normal and it's not just about hormones. Either that or we're both screwed up! lol

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