i adore

I adore my girls. It's no secret. I want to be the best mommy to them and the best wife to my husband. Above all else in this world, if I have succeeded in nothing but doing my personal best in the roles of a mother, bible teacher, mentor, supporter, playmate & educator to my children, then I will feel accomplished and fulfilled in life.  A year ago, I'm not sure I can honestly say that would have been enough for me. I had goals. I had big goals that were in movement towards becoming a physician's assistant (PA). Maybe because I didn't value my job as a mother. With women needing to climb the corporate latter alongside their male partners to feel worthy and excepted by society. Needing to be able to support themselves if something were to go wrong.
I'm not disagreeing with this philosophy. I do think it is smart to be able to have a skill that can be utilized to provide for you and your family, but I also think that being just a mother is okay. It's a lot of work, responsibility and love. At the moment, I am blessed to be able to stay at home with my children full time. At the moment, this is 100% satisfying my need to feel productive and accomplished. I can't think of any other job that would give me as much satisfaction that I get each day by raising my girls.
Do I have goals? Of course. Do they have a deadline? Nope.

[via pinterest, originally found here]

I have a serious question...

When I thought I wanted another baby, Hayden was roughly 10 months old. I didn't take into consideration that she had just mastered crawling. Walking, running, tantrums and just becoming a little person of her own was still months away. Garit and I both wanted our children to be close and we figured our best bet to get this was to have them close in age.

What the heck was I thinking? When does it get easier with two babies? Because truly, that is exactly what they are. Sure Hayden can communicate, but there is still a lot that she doesn't understand-on a communication level as well as why this baby is getting a ton of attention. I suppose this would be an adjustment for her at any age, but please tell me...when does it get easier? When am I going to see a light at the end? I'm only on day 18 into this beautiful mess and every morning I wake up saying to myself "I hope today is the day it just clicks. I hope today is easier."

Today is not the day. Bailey woke up every two hours last night to feed and was extremely gassy. Gassy=fussy. I don't think I slept more than 3 hours last night. Hayden woke up calling for me with every possible name she could think of. Mom, mama, ma, mommy, Mom, Mom, Mom. I let this go on for 15 minutes. Is that bad? I needed just 15 more minutes of rest before the storm.

When I got Hayden, she greeted me with smiles. I thought "well that's a good start". I went to let our two yorkies out of their crate to pee outside. I realized one of them peed and pooed in their crate.

Deep breath. It's not the end of the world, just one more thing I have to do. Well, two. Now I have to bathe them along with clean their crate.

I threw some coffee in a mug and downed it. There was no time to enjoy it if I wanted to drink it hot. I put Hay in her highchair with a cinnamon roll and some milk...along with one of her favorite shows on the television. I hate the television. That will have to be a whole other post.

I fed Bailey, which she struggled to latch for 20 minutes for only God knows why. It's only on the right breast that we have ever had an issue.


So, this has been my morning for the past hour an a half. I still have a whole day of this and I need to some how conquer laundry, dishes, pick up the front room and Hay's room. Bathe the dogs & clean their crate. Sanitize everything in the bathroom. Bailey's cord finally fell off, so she really could use a bath as well. Now I just feel like I'm rambling.

Some where in all of this, I really need to take care of myself. Like, eat maybe? Make sure I'm drinking my fluids so I actually keep my milk this time. Pee without a baby on my boob and a toddler following me in the bathroom.

One day it has to get better right? Seriously. It has to. Or am I really just not cut out for this like I originally thought? I think I may have bit off more than I can chew.

I'm really going to do it.

So, I may just trek out of the house for the first time with both girls today. I haven't been out of the house yet with either one of them since the c-section...All to do what, you ask?

This might sound extremely vain. You can judge me. But please don't, unless you look 4 months pregnant, and aren't.

I want to buy my first pair of...Spanx! Gasp. I know.

This, however, I think will boost my confidence like a new hair cut. Why not just get my hair cut then? Garit won't let me. Not in like "I'm a crazy and won't let my fiance cut her hair" he actually made a few valid points...

1. When I start to work out, I won't be able to just put my hair up and work it. The it being my flabby post-baby body.

2. Having my hair short while 20 lbs overweight will only make me feel more insecure (rounder face + short hair, not extremely flattering on me)

3. Cutting my hair should be used as a reward system. Kinda like when you lose this much weight, you can cut your hair so you look and feel EVEN better than you did from just losing the weight!

So, he sold me on letting my hair grow until I lose all my weight.

This is what I used to look like, pre-babies and short hair...

So the next best thing next to a new hair cut? Spanx.

As gross as it is, I will post before and after pictures with the lovely Spanx on. Hopefully it looks like someone did some magic on my poor little belly.


Did I mention I'm in a wedding that is going to be GORGEOUS and surrounded by GORGEOUS people on a yatch? It's 5 weeks away. It's depressing that I can't even work out or diet to try to slim down a bit. I'm praying that these spanks will do an number on me. Like make me loose two dress sizes. HA.


If Hayden takes a nice nap this morning and I'm feeling up to it still, I'll be taking my first trip to the mall. Thought of the moment, Target should really sell Spanx. Just for this occassion and the fact that I would feel way less uncomfortable with a baby crying or tantrum throwing toddler in Target rather than in Nordstrom.

Did I mention Hayden has become a little terror and I feel like all my parenting skills have flown out the window? I thought I was on top of it. I thought I was on the right track as far as raising her...but with this baby addition, it seems to have rocked her little world, in turn rocking my world (not in an awesome way). Not too sure what I'm doing anymore. Two in the mix leaves way less time to reevaluate parenting techniques and it's making my rope of patience way shorter.

Summa Summa Time

Okay, so the song actually is Summertime, but I figured you would get what I was singing if I spelled it how I actually sing it. Summa summa time. That song brings back so many good memories.

I'm a tad late, but it's finally here! Summer that is. I'm not as miserable as I thought I would be with the heat and the belly. Maybe I should credit that to my home air being at a constant yummy 72 degrees. Jealous? I know you are.

So since I'm not a fan of outside at the moment, unless it includes water...ie pool parties. :0) I decided I'm going to make a summer fun list of things to do indoors. Plus having a newborn in this heat just isn't cool. 

My Summer Indoor FUN List includes:

1. An indoor picnic, pray it stays on the tile.
2. Have a Popsicle Bath tub Party.

Doesn't this just scream summer?

3. Get my mommy groove back. {personal goal, don't have a plan on how to accomplish this-YET}
4. Get our backyard done-so we can enjoy some outdoor fun.
5. Make a point to go to Barnes and Nobel to get Hay new books. Hopefully she won't chew on these ones, leaving them looking like our dogs got a hold of them. {She has an obsession with chewing books, paper, anything that she can get into little pieces. I'm holding fast to thinking this is a sign that she's going to be artistic. LOL!}
6. Get Hay a princess dress so we can play dress up and dance around in circles and be princesses of course.
7. Manage to take as many photos of my girls and actually scrapbook them.
8. Finger paint and have Hay do artwork so I can frame it <3
9. Have an at home spa day with Hay. Complete with homemade Lavender & Peppermint foot scrub and nail fun!

10. Make a Sweet Flower Granny Blanket for baby A.

And although I won't be doing this THIS summer, I thought I would share because I think this is an amazing idea for when the girls get older...

Amazing, right?! DIY instructions can be found here...

<3 Enjoy the Summa! How are you going to be spending your summer??

Where did my baby go?

She seriously seemed to grow up over night. I went in her room to wake her up this morning to treat her to a chocolate milk from Starbucks while this momma enjoyed a skinny vanilla latte with a drizzle of carmel.

I was absolutely stunned when this is what I saw.

Not a baby, or even really a toddler. I mean sure, she's a toddler, but she looks just like a little girl. I really can't believe that she grew up right in front of me. I spend the most time possible with her and I still feel like I missed something.I seriously think if I blink I might miss her school aged years and I'll be sending her off to college.

If you don't have kids yet or if you are expecting your first, the only thing I can advise you to do is never blink. No really- I'm dead serious. Don't. Blink. Because one day you will and your little baby is a little girl. She will tell you when she wants to nap, eat, play outside, or watch Caillou.

I don't know what I can do differently with Baby A to slow down this process of growing up, but I do know that I will cherish every moment I have awake with her. I feel so blessed that I get to go through this whole process again with another child. I hope I have many, many more. While every mom has tough days raising their children, there is always a moment in a day that makes it all worth it.

This is reality sometimes. I wouldn't change it for anything in this world.

I love you, my little Hayden. You will always be my baby.

xoxo,

Mom

Get to know me better...

With 23 random facts!

1. I cloth diaper Hayden 90% of the time. It used to be full time, but when it's really hot outside, Hayden gets heat rashes down there because of the moisture.

2. When Hay "holds my hand" she's actually just gripping my pinky. Cutest thing ever. 

3. I've tossed around the idea of homeschooling and really need to force myself to research it more. 

4. Hayden says "peazzzzz" {Please} with emphesis. It makes my day.

5. I get anxiety when I think about Hayden going to school {one of the reasons I want to home school her, but not the main reason}

6. I don't know how many more episodes of Calliou I can watch before I go completely insane.

7. I have struggled with acne since my teens.

8. I have a problem with following through. 

Example: I have everything you could ever think of to scrapbook, yet over the past two years I have only finished 1 {ONE} page. Yep. Fail.

9. I have an obsession with scented candles.

10. I LOVE the lines that the vacuum leaves on the carpet.

11. I eat sunflower seed nut butter on my bananas. 

12. I see Garit as perfect because I look at him through Jesus' eyes.

13. I am terrified to have a newborn again.

14. I want a big family, possibly 5 children but I really rescent the thought of being pregnant for 50 months.

15. I want to be a crunchy granola head, but I love meat too much to totally give it up.

16. We have a Chocolate Lab and Two Yorkshire Terriers. We would have more, but Garit learned to tell me no shortly after getting the lab. {I'll have to tell the story of the cat one day}

17. I secretly have baby fever even though I'm already pregnant. I am going to have to get the IUD fo sho ASAP after this bambino.

18. I really struggled with my weight after having Hayden. I was only able to breastfeed until she was 4 months old because I didn't take in enough calories and water. I blame myself every day and wish I could have gone until she was one.

19. I love to make lists. For everything.

20. I am deathly afraid that I might be one of the millions that experience PPD.

21. My kitchen is wine themed.

22. I pray that Hayden and Baby A will grow up with Jesus in their heart. 

23. I still get butterflies when I talk to Garit, I truly feel I found my soul mate {cheesy, I know}.

I refuse to be that mom

I met my friend Hannah and her son Eric for lunch yesterday. We have been friends basically since Hayden and Eric were born, maybe a bit before? She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and I really hope we are forever friends. Cheesy? Maybe. But I'm totally telling you the truth.

We met on the What to Expect forum boards...you know, like the book? They have a website where you can go to talk to other moms-or in our case expecting mommas, to share your symptoms, thoughts, worries or even laughs. I have become rather close to about 15 of the girls and still talk to them weekly, even though I've only met about a handful of them.

Hannah is also pregnant again, expecting two weeks after I. :0) We didn't plan it, but shhhh we kinda did. Eric is also two weeks behind Hayden in the age department. Funny how that all worked out.

We went to Souplantation yesterday with the kids {my first time} and Eric, who is usually the busybody, sat perfectly still on his booster while eating everything Hannah put in front of him. I watched in envy for maybe 2.5 seconds while I tried wrangling my child and eat at the same time.  I was so embarrassed. She really just wanted to get down and play with Eric. They were smitten with each other. Plus she was tired. Excuses? Yep. But my child was that child and I was that mom. She didn't want to sit still and she was letting me know it. After we left I sat in my car thinking:

This is it. I knew this day would come. The day where I don't take my child out in public restaurants because I'm not going to be one of those moms. I'm not going to embarrass myself or my friends. If she can't behave, then we just won't go anywhere. 

Hannah and I both agreed that we need to just stick with parks and picnics.

Baby Instruction Manual

I don't think I was the only one the hospital forgot to give the instruction manual to when I left with my new bundle of joy about 17 months ago. Oh, they don't give manuals out these days?? That explains it.

I understand that everyone has their own parenting techniques and being a mother is a lot of trial and error. I am not the perfect mom, but I damn sure try to be.

But when something isn't working out the way you planned or your little bundle of joy gives you panic attacks when it comes to bedtime every night, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your parenting techniques.

Who doesn't worry about their child every single day?

Am I reading enough to her?

Is she getting the nutrition she needs from a balanced diet?

Is she spending enough time playing outside?

Does she get enough social interaction with other children?

Are these tantrums normal? Really? This young??

I have asked every single one of these questions. Multiple times. My MIL can vouch for me on this one.

I think to myself, I hope it gets easier...fully knowing that it won't. But at the end of the day, when my child gives me a kisses and tells me "nigh nigh" {night night} in her sweetest voice...at 7pm {okay it's more like 8pm these days, thanks to the summer sun not going down until then} but then she simply lays down and goes to sleep. I must be doing something right, right?!

I have a happy child. Sometimes, parenting gets a little shaky and it's normal to question your routines, but when your child isn't sleeping until 9pm at the earliest and you have to lay down with them every night and they don't take naps during the day. Maybe it's time to rethink what exactly you are doing in your daily routine, or not doing for that matter.

Nutrition, structure and control in the household?

I must be doing something right. Boy, is that reassuring.

Okayyy. Rant over. :0)