Tuesday, August 30, 2011

our precious addition.

I have been procrastinating when it comes to writing this post. Maybe because I'm afraid once I actually write it, time will just slip away. Maybe because I'm not completely sure of how I feel about my experience and if I write about it, my emotions will get the best of me.

This is something that I haven't talked about with anyone, except for my friend, our photographer, Amy. Today I started to open up about my experience of meeting our new baby. I (not surprisingly) started to get really emotional when I tried explaining how having a c-section changed everything for me. I knew this bothered me. This is when I realized it was time. Time to write about it and hopefully move on.

When I gave birth to Hayden, naturally, I had never felt such a joyous feeling. Pushing her out with all the anticipation of meeting my baby girl. Then holding and caressing her while tears flowed and while there were probably 6 people in the room, maybe more, all I recall is Garit, I and Hayden.

This is what I envisioned for this child. I couldn't wait to experience this high of happiness again. I was as anxious to experience this again as I was to meet my baby. Except it went nothing like I expected.

Bailey Nichole Wallace was born Saturday, August 20,at 6:09 am. This was 9 days past my due date. I was beyond done. We had an appointment at 1 am that same day to be induced, however, starting that prior Thursday I experienced my first real contractions. They continued and got even more painful. On Friday they continued. I knew it was time. I had Garit stay on stand by. I wanted to labor at home as long as possible. This was part of my birth plan. 17 hours into the day I had enough. The contractions were every 5 minutes apart and I knew I still had to drop Hay off at my parents which was 45 minutes away and coming home on a Friday night during rush hour could take anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. This scared me a bit. But we made it to the hospital around 6. I was already 6 centimeters and they determined that I was in full labor. They broke my water at 8:30 and I started to pick up with contractions to every 3 minutes. Next came the pitocin to speed the process along since I wasn't effacing as fast as I was dilating. 9 1/2 centimeters later I was only 70% effaced. They moved me in different positions for a few hours to try and get me to efface more on the left and right side. I wasn't progressing- in fact, the doctor determinded that I was actually becoming swollen. I was going backwards in effacement. When he told me this, I felt the tears come. I knew it was over. He didn't say it, but he didn't have to. I had been on pitocin for 9 hours and there was no progress and now I was actually regressing. My heart has never felt so hurt. My mom and Garit were the only ones there with me. 5:30 am comforting me while I balled my eyes out. Continually reassuring me that it would be fine. We just want a healthy baby.

I made the final decision to go forward with the c-section. The doctor was really nice about it, knowing that this was the last thing that I wanted to happen. He assured me that this was going to be the result, his guess was that she was too big to fit through my pelvis and that was the reason for the swelling.

I felt like my body had failed me. I was being defeated and cheated out of my birthing experience. I felt like all the laboring, all the lost sleep, all the anticipation to the main event of pushing my baby out and holding her for the first time. Garit by my side. Just the three of us soaking up everything in that moment. A moment that I will never forget that was experienced with our first child. It wouldn't happen with our second, or any of our future children. It literally breaks my heart. I am in tears over it.

I was wheeled into the OR and Garit joined me. I was shaking as I laid on the bed with my arms outstretched and strapped to the table. All I felt were tears running down the sides of my face and Garit wiping them away. I hear all of the nurses, doctors and who ever else was in the room hustling around us. There was no way we were going to have our moment- or anything close to it. This made me cry even harder. It was nothing like I had pictured.

Once they pulled her out, I heard her scream- yes, scream (boy, she has some lungs on her) a new set of tears came. They were happy tears. My baby was here. I couldn't see her because of the blue opporating sheet in front of me, but I could hear her.

They cleaned her up, weighed her and did all the routine stuff I suppose while they started to fix me. Honestly, the c-section was very uncomfortable. I felt tons of pressure and pulling and pushing of skin and organs. Not a good experience. Not sure I will ever want to experience it again.

I was shown my baby girl, all wrapped up for maybe a total of 5 seconds. It wasn't enough. They then asked Garit to leave with the baby while they finished up with me. I'm not sure how long that took, but it felt like an hour. The tears came rolling again. That's all I remember doing in that time of being alone. I think one of the doctors even asked if I was ok. Sure. My baby was healthy, that's all I can ask for, right?

I suppose I'm way more upset about this than I originally thought. I've been ugly crying through writing this whole thing. I'm going to blame my hormones on part of it.

I will be uploading new pictures tomorrow of baby Bailey : ) My precious Bailey.

Bailey Nichole Wallace
9 lbs 4 oz
21 1/4 inches







Friday, August 12, 2011

Day 1

Not the post I was hoping (nor ever imagined) to be writing. It's not day one with my new bundle of joy, but rather day one, past my due date.

Feeling: Depressed, anxious, frustrated and completely done being pregnant. I'm ready to meet my baby girl.

Yesterday I counted how many times I hit my ginormous belly on the table, counter, fridge, kitchen drawers...you wanna know my number?

9. NINE freaking times I said "owe" and cringed in pain from a sharp corner stabbing me in my tiger-stripped belly (the stripes being stretchmarks, of course).

I had my membranes stripped on Wednesday ("ouch" is being very modest). The verdict: 42 hours later still cramping/contracting and definitely still very pregnant. I've been experiencing back labor and from what I've read, that type of labor is very painful (so far I can agree, but have nothing to compare it too) and is usually longer than "normal labor"...which would make sense since I feel like I've been in labor for over 24 hours already.

So, that's the update. The only positive that I can get out of it so far is that we are headed towards starting the weekend and I'm guaranteed to have Garit by my side for the next two days with him taking minimal calls from work. Good deal.

Garit 's prediction: My water will break around 3 am tomorrow morning.

At this point, I'll take it.



Wednesday, August 10, 2011

me, a to z


A. age :: 23.5

B. bed size :: cal king.

C. chore you hate :: dishes

D. dogs :: Delilah, Duke & Lorelei

E. essential start to your day :: ice water

F. favorite color :: purple & orange.

G. gold or silver :: silver.

H. height :: five.feet.seven

I. instruments you play :: none :(

J. job title :: mama & wife

K. kids :: Hayden & Baby (almost here!)

L. live :: Inland Empire, California

M. maiden name :: Watson

N. nicknames :: Bri, Bribelle, Beemer

O. overnight hospital stays :: Once...baby delivery : )

P. pet peeve :: People who can't drive!

Q. quote :: 

R. righty or lefty :: righty

S. siblings :: Alyson and Carlee & Fred and Crystal

T. time you wake up :: Usually around 6 when Garit goes to work

U. university attended :: RCC (community college)

V. vegetables you dislike: love my veggies!

W. what makes you run late :: my child <3

X. x-rays you’ve had :: I think only at the dentist?

Y. yummy food :: mac&cheese, chicken alfredo, pizza and lasagna. Pasta girl <3

Z. zoo animal favorite :: elephants & giraffes

Hope you enjoyed getting to know me a tad bit more ; )

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

waiting

So often I'm sitting at the kitchen table, doing whatever it is I'm doing, and I look over at Hayden and the expression she has on her face is priceless. I always seem to have some sort of music going on my laptop {love Pandora} and while looking at my daughter doing whatever amazing thing she's doing...whether it be her turning in circles to the music, or just giving me that look that melts my heart because she's the only person that can give me butterflies of such happiness with just her smile- for no particular reason other than her mommy is there with her...I wish I had my camera out.

Wow. Longest run-on sentence ever.  If you got through it, props to you.

I take mental pictures of the moment. It's not enough. I miss my camera so much. It's packed away in the hospital bag because I know in the rush of the moment of going to the hospital, it will get left behind if it's not securely in it's place in the delivery bag...

As anxious as I am to meet my baby girl, I am just as anxious to start capturing every moment with my camera. The small grimises that we call a smile even when it's followed by a fart, the cries that she lets out when she wants to nestle my breast to eat and be comforted. I seriously can't wait.

It's like my love for photography is growing all over again, all in anticipation of the possibilities and the fact that I feel I've been deprived of my camera and editing due to lack of movement and 3rd trimester exhaustion.

I am just a mom with a camera and a dream. I know how fast they grow up and I want to capture every moment so I can look back and just smile.

For now, photobooth will have to do.

simple things

Today I was able to go to Target and aimlessly wander the isles with no intention of buying anything but diaper rash cream and a new tooth brush for Hay (she chewed her previous one until the brissles went left and right rather than up).

However, whenever I walk down the office supplies isle, I feel like a kid going to Disneyland for the first time. I seriously get so giddy...and since I didn't have Hay with me, which is a rarity in itself, I didn't have to quickly glance down the isle while praying she doesn't catch a glimpse of the Hello Kitty binders or the "prissess" (princess) stickers.

I splurged on a eco-friendly notebook that I decided would be dedicated to my random doodling, endless lists and my many crazy ideas that I come up with throughout the day. But what's a new notebook without new pens? : ) Made my day.

Going through old photos, also made my day.
 Hahaha. Love you, Hayden. Even had some looks at 8 months...

Monday, August 8, 2011

One that I came across...

Love my serious faced girl.



they float my boat MIA...

I've been wanting our new addition to join the world so badly the last few weeks, I honestly think I've been border-line obsessed with every ache, pain and possible symptom that could possibly be leading up to labor.

I am currently 39 weeks and 4 days dilated at 4 cm and 50% effaced. It's been like this for the past week mind you. A tad bit frustrating, but despite being able to go at any moment, I'm trying to enjoy the last few days with Hay and the special moments with baby in my belly. Such an amazing time that I know will missed once she joins us.

Anyhow, here are some updated pictures of the belly...as well as our last family picture before the little one joins us. : )

At my mom's 50th birthday bash...



: ) 

Trying to walk baby out...it didn't work. 

As of the 5th, Hayden is 19 months. I can't believe my little baby is no longer a baby, but a toddler.
Flash back about 8 months ago...












Only 4 months ago...15 months old. Oh how time flies.
And yesterday...
Wow. Happy 19 months baby girl.

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