Tuesday, October 18, 2011

hold on tight

Lately, it seems that death is surrounding me. Either with stories on blogs of little babies leaving this earth or friends telling me of loved ones that have joined Jesus. It makes me stop. It makes me appreciate all of the wonderful people who impact my life daily. They've help shape who I am today and continue to every day. They make me smile. They make me laugh. I care about them. A ton. They don't know how much they mean to me-because I don't tell them. This needs to change.

Everyday I look at my children and fiance. The best blessings in my life hands down. I could never imagine losing them. Just the thought makes my heart ache and my eyes swell with tears. There are mothers and wives that have experienced a loss of a child and/or husband. There are mothers experiencing this, at this very moment in time. I can't imagine the pain they are going through. My heart breaks into pieces for them and prayers are going out for them and their families. 
This is my biggest fear. Before Garit and my girls blessed me with their grace and love, my biggest fear was not that I would die, but that I would die before I became a mother. Perhaps this is why I decided to jump on the mommy bandwagon at such a young age. I don't regret it for one second. There is not one day that my girls don't make my heart happy, even on the most trying days. With every moment that I have with them I hold on tight. So tight. I take mental pictures of moments, emotions and try to imagine how much more amazing our moments are going to be tomorrow. Because we get to do it all over again. 
But we aren't promised this. 
As Pastor Brian stated this past Sunday, "we all have an appointment with the Lord". While this is reassuring in the sense that life will begin when we take our last breath on earth, I don't want to leave my children. I don't ever want them to leave me. This is so hard for me to be okay with. I don't know if I'll ever be okay with this idea. I think this will always be my biggest fear in life, and it's something that is out of my hands and bound to happen at some point. Terrifying isn't it?


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