Like whoa. Awesome & Awkward

So, I guess I can't be too upset with the Target lady. I could pass for being pregnant still. : (

6 weeks post Bailey.

Awesome
-It's Thursday. Really? Already? My week has FLOWN by. Like literally, I was thinking it was Tuesday.
-Went to the grocery store with both girls by myself and was able to shop with zero melt downs and a silent, awake Bailey.
-Both girls slept a good two hours at the same time and I was able to do a deep cleaning in our kitchen and living area.
-I was able to increase my milk supply from 5 oz every 12 hours to 5 oz every 3 hours. Woot!
-This Saturday Bailey will be 6 weeks. If you are a mommy, you know what that means...bow-chicka-bow-wooow.
-The mask of pregnancy on my face is almost completely gone. yay!
-Bailey is smiling All.The.Time.

Awkward
-Going to Target looking for an outfit to look cute in so I can feel normal again. Then Target lady checking me in the dressing room tells me that all of the maternity clothes were on sale. Awesome. If I were actually pregnant. Thanksss for that amazing self esteem boost.
-Hayden points out when some one farts. This goes for the sound or even smell. Watch out. You might just get outed with a cute little voice saying "toot toot". You've been warned and I have been reminded. Ha.
-Stumbling on my words like I never have before (at Target with a different Target lady) while trying to explain the stupid water jug I was looking for. She showed no sympathy for my description that made no sense at all, even after apologizing and giving the excuse of working off of 4 hours of sleep for the past 5 weeks. I walked away feeling like a total idiot and no water jug.
 -Letting the dogs out to go relieve themselves while Bailey on the boob and our employee pulls up and has to walk literally 20 feet away. I couldn't dart in the house, I think that would have made it even more incredibly awkward. Breastfeeding is natural, right? Why was it so incredibly awkward?! (our office is in our back yard for the moment. moment=past year and a half. Ugh)
-Seeing an acquaintance and totally not remembering their name but having full on conversations. What do you do? Ask for their name again? Bahahha. No.
-Coming home after running some errands and Garit asks me where the carpet cleaner is. Why? Because Hayden has taken off her diaper in her room while napping and dropped a turd. Garit thought this was hilarious and thought I had to see it for myself. Who do you think ended up cleaning it? Ugh. Not cool.
-Bawling my eyes out like 5 times while watching 50 first dates (for like the fourth time) and Garit looking at me like "what the heck?" Hormones man! Get with it already lol!

Dropping the ball

So I'm totally behind on blogging. I promise there are reasons, which I may or may not going into. But as for right now, the girls are calling for my attention so I'll leave you with a photo from this past week.

Hopefully, I'll have enough energy to blog while Hayden naps...if Bailey is allowing at that time as well, that is. :S

awesome & awkward thursday!!

Awesome
-You know the toast I was toasting this morning? Burnt it. So much for easy [laughs]! Awesome part is Garit walked in the house with donuts. Score.
-I was able to talk my toddler out of one of her world famous tantrums. By bribing her with reading time.
-When I think there is nothing in the house to eat for lunch without cooking a full-blown meal, I find a "cup of noodles".
-My Keurig one-cup coffee machine. 'nuff said.

 

Awkward
-Bailey pulled off my boob this morning causing milk to be sprayed everywhere [laughs] oops. that's something I simply can not control.
-While picking up Hayden's room [MUCH NEEDED], I stumble across a wet diaper. Hayden's response: uh oh. and then pees. yep. on the floor.
-Put on my pre-pregnancy pants. They fit and I can button them. But not without the extra stretched-out skin making my tummy look like a butt. [I'm not the only one that has this problem right?]
-While passing our living room window, my eyes catch our neighbor's horse. in the front yard. just chillin'. [laughs]
-Bailey always passes wind and poos while feeding. so random.

self pictures are always awkward.

early mornings & coffee

Bailey decided she wanted to party at 5:30 this morning. 

Good morning sunshine, you do know the sun isn't up yet right?

This mama, likes her sleep. Like a lot.

But I do have to admit, I like the fact that I have some semi-alone time for a whole two hours before my second little monkey wakes up.

Coffee is brewing and breakfast is being toasted. Toast with jam is fancy and easy. Did I mention it's easy? 

You know what else I'm doing? Absolutely nothing. It's beautiful. 

Now I know why old people wake up early and drink coffee.

They have kids.

Did I say old people? Does this classify me as old?

Wait let me rephrase. I know why parents wake up early and drink coffee, voluntarily. 

You kinda have to if you want to keep some of your sanity.

Secret cracked. :)

oh, this is a good life

Every morning I wake up to my girls. One resting next to my breast and the other jabbering and sometimes if I'm lucky a little singing, through the monitor.

I was able to play around with some picture taking yesterday :) these were my results with 10 minutes of playing around. She gets so darn fussy, so quick.

Every day I get to play with Hayden. She gets it now. It's amazing. The simplest things make her smile.  There is this look I give her, kinda like a peek-a-boo look, like I'm peering from behind something, but I'm not [laughs] and omgosh, it gets her smile going. It's followed by squeals and a high pitched maaaa-meeee! Greatest sound ever. I can't help but smile and keep doing it. Over and over. Until she's almost in tears from laughing.

You would never think this girl laughs because I can never get her to smile on camera. Once she sees the camera out, she bolts for anything that she can hide behind.  That's okay. My little monkey.
 

Bailey smiles. Regularly. She's 25 days today. She only smiles when we are coo-ing with her or when I give her Eskimo kisses. It melts my heart and literally brings tears to my eyes. Her smile is magic.

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Despite having hard moments sometimes. Despite being oh so very tired. Despite having some baby blues. I am so very happy. So very thankful for every day. So blessed. I recognize this and the fact that I have an amazing life. Amazing family. Amazing friends.

inspired

Isn't this amazing? My heart is fluttering and a tiny part of me is so happy I haven't officially tied the not yet. Definitely inspiring and it totally makes me wish I was there celebrating with them. 

check out the rest of the photos here

oh baby

Bailey definitely did a number on my body. Three weeks post-baby, despite being 1 lb below what I weighed before I got pregnant, I still look like I could be 3 months.

Not to mention the horrific stretchmarks leaving me with no choice but to forever shop in the tankini section for bathing suits...

Random thought, is the word tankini in the dictionary yet? Yep.

— n
	a woman's two-piece swimming costume consisting of a vest or camisole top and bikini briefs

reference: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/tankini

 

 

Posting this will make me accountable for losing the flab and getting in shape. Obviously, this will have to wait until I completely heal. I'm already getting tons of flak from friends and family for overdoing it with simple chores. It's so frustrating that I can't just get into a normal daily routine without taking everything into consideration if it's going to affect my healing process. 

Oh, I would also like to mention that while I never did trek out to Nordstrom to enjoy my Spanx experience, I did try on some knock offs at our Kohls. They weren't worth it. I didn't notice any substantial difference other than smoothing of the skin. You don't fool me, knock offs. Maybe the real Spanx actually work? We'll see, one day when I'm eventually healed enough to take the double stroller out with the kiddos.

little toes make me happy

70's bell bottoms do, too. Did you know that's a fall trend this year? My obsession with style blogs told me so.

Hello Kitty tattoos makes Hayden happy.

two photos, two weeks

I'm trying to define my style, not only in clothing but with my photography as well. Here is a snap shot I was able to grab really quick after a diaper change.

I love the softness of the second one. But the first is more my style. Which do you prefer?

A mom with many talents...

I think I'm rather talented in many areas. I won't bore you with a list of what I think I'm good at...

But I will admit I'm not good at something. Style. I can't put an outfit together. Pathetic right? It's actually quite embarrassing to admit. I will blame it partially on the fact that I have an extremely limited wardrobe to choose from since I've been pregnant for 20 months out of the past 29. That may just be an excuse and I'll be the first one to sheepishly raise my hand to confess to that. So what's my deal? I think I use to be able to somewhat confidently shop and dress cute prior to being a mom. I use to get compliments on my outfits all the time when I worked at the tanning salon. Is that because when I worked there, you basically were hired on looks and style? I'm not saying that was right, but looking back at it now, I will totally take that as a compliment.

I've been following a few fashion blogs. Okay, actually more like stalking. One in particular that I get super excited about is http://laviepetite.blogspot.com/...She is super cute and I love her style! That's a step right? I know what kind of style I like, but the major problem is I have no clue where to start when putting an outfit together. So, I stick to what's extremely safe and not exactly flattering. Jeans and a t-shirt. Lovely.

I want to dress conservative, I am a mother after all. Yet, I want to look stylish, modern and feel confident in what I wear.

But where do I start? With a 3 week post-baby body, not really any "wearable" clothing that fits me in my wardrobe (without looking pregnant still)...what do I do? I was looking online at clothing and I literally can't put together an outfit and feel confident about it. Any ideas? Keep in mind I plan on losing weight fairly quickly once I get the go-ahead from my Dr.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! : )

I have a serious question...

When I thought I wanted another baby, Hayden was roughly 10 months old. I didn't take into consideration that she had just mastered crawling. Walking, running, tantrums and just becoming a little person of her own was still months away. Garit and I both wanted our children to be close and we figured our best bet to get this was to have them close in age.

What the heck was I thinking? When does it get easier with two babies? Because truly, that is exactly what they are. Sure Hayden can communicate, but there is still a lot that she doesn't understand-on a communication level as well as why this baby is getting a ton of attention. I suppose this would be an adjustment for her at any age, but please tell me...when does it get easier? When am I going to see a light at the end? I'm only on day 18 into this beautiful mess and every morning I wake up saying to myself "I hope today is the day it just clicks. I hope today is easier."

Today is not the day. Bailey woke up every two hours last night to feed and was extremely gassy. Gassy=fussy. I don't think I slept more than 3 hours last night. Hayden woke up calling for me with every possible name she could think of. Mom, mama, ma, mommy, Mom, Mom, Mom. I let this go on for 15 minutes. Is that bad? I needed just 15 more minutes of rest before the storm.

When I got Hayden, she greeted me with smiles. I thought "well that's a good start". I went to let our two yorkies out of their crate to pee outside. I realized one of them peed and pooed in their crate.

Deep breath. It's not the end of the world, just one more thing I have to do. Well, two. Now I have to bathe them along with clean their crate.

I threw some coffee in a mug and downed it. There was no time to enjoy it if I wanted to drink it hot. I put Hay in her highchair with a cinnamon roll and some milk...along with one of her favorite shows on the television. I hate the television. That will have to be a whole other post.

I fed Bailey, which she struggled to latch for 20 minutes for only God knows why. It's only on the right breast that we have ever had an issue.


So, this has been my morning for the past hour an a half. I still have a whole day of this and I need to some how conquer laundry, dishes, pick up the front room and Hay's room. Bathe the dogs & clean their crate. Sanitize everything in the bathroom. Bailey's cord finally fell off, so she really could use a bath as well. Now I just feel like I'm rambling.

Some where in all of this, I really need to take care of myself. Like, eat maybe? Make sure I'm drinking my fluids so I actually keep my milk this time. Pee without a baby on my boob and a toddler following me in the bathroom.

One day it has to get better right? Seriously. It has to. Or am I really just not cut out for this like I originally thought? I think I may have bit off more than I can chew.

Share the love, go public!

I have had a ton of people over the past several months that have personally emailed, facebooked and texted me telling me how much they enjoy reading my blog. But more recently, I have received TONS of feedback! It's awesome! Especially on my two recent posts about my experience of delivering Bailey and my "feeling guilty" post. I am so thrilled that people (you guys!) are enjoying my blog so much, but even more that you are relating.  I'm not alone! I love reading all of your support and reassurance that it's normal to feel this way...and that you have felt this way, too!

Can you do me a huge favor? Pretty please?

Can you share the love? Share my blog with your friends! Through Facebook, through your mommy forums, through word of mouth! I would love to help other mommas that have felt or are feeling the same way.

Another way you could help me is commenting through here. I know lots of you already do, but I know comments that share your experiences or even just your condolences may also help other readers (and myself!) who are feeling heartache or who simply just need a laugh and reassurance that feeling this way is okay and there are plenty of other strong women going through the same thing! (whether it be heartache from things not going our way or the frustrations of tantrums with our toddlers, or simply jumping on the Spanx bandwagon). 

I would truly appreciate this from you, and I know other readers will too. So, instead of messaging me privately (even though, I truly love it!) please...go public and comment! Share!

xoxo!

I'm really going to do it.

So, I may just trek out of the house for the first time with both girls today. I haven't been out of the house yet with either one of them since the c-section...All to do what, you ask?

This might sound extremely vain. You can judge me. But please don't, unless you look 4 months pregnant, and aren't.

I want to buy my first pair of...Spanx! Gasp. I know.

This, however, I think will boost my confidence like a new hair cut. Why not just get my hair cut then? Garit won't let me. Not in like "I'm a crazy and won't let my fiance cut her hair" he actually made a few valid points...

1. When I start to work out, I won't be able to just put my hair up and work it. The it being my flabby post-baby body.

2. Having my hair short while 20 lbs overweight will only make me feel more insecure (rounder face + short hair, not extremely flattering on me)

3. Cutting my hair should be used as a reward system. Kinda like when you lose this much weight, you can cut your hair so you look and feel EVEN better than you did from just losing the weight!

So, he sold me on letting my hair grow until I lose all my weight.

This is what I used to look like, pre-babies and short hair...

So the next best thing next to a new hair cut? Spanx.

As gross as it is, I will post before and after pictures with the lovely Spanx on. Hopefully it looks like someone did some magic on my poor little belly.


Did I mention I'm in a wedding that is going to be GORGEOUS and surrounded by GORGEOUS people on a yatch? It's 5 weeks away. It's depressing that I can't even work out or diet to try to slim down a bit. I'm praying that these spanks will do an number on me. Like make me loose two dress sizes. HA.


If Hayden takes a nice nap this morning and I'm feeling up to it still, I'll be taking my first trip to the mall. Thought of the moment, Target should really sell Spanx. Just for this occassion and the fact that I would feel way less uncomfortable with a baby crying or tantrum throwing toddler in Target rather than in Nordstrom.

Did I mention Hayden has become a little terror and I feel like all my parenting skills have flown out the window? I thought I was on top of it. I thought I was on the right track as far as raising her...but with this baby addition, it seems to have rocked her little world, in turn rocking my world (not in an awesome way). Not too sure what I'm doing anymore. Two in the mix leaves way less time to reevaluate parenting techniques and it's making my rope of patience way shorter.

should I feel guilty?

I confessed to Garit this morning how I missed being able to just leave the house when I wanted to, I miss hanging out with my friends without chasing a toddler or having a newborn on my boob. I miss being able to leave for a weekend with Garit and experience life without diapers, sippy cups and planned naps, feedings and tantrums. Boy, how much our life has changed over the past two years.

As soon as I finished saying this, the guilt set in. It's not that I don't love my girls, I wouldn't change my life for anything. But sometimes I do miss those memories...and that's all they are. Memories. I wonder if our life would ever resemble what it used to be. Not the careless drinking and partying (those were definitely not my finest moments, although at times, they were quite fun) - I really could live without that. But when will we be able to go to a concert and leave the girls for the night? When will we be able to BBQ at the beach with the girls and actually enjoy it?

Garit reassures me that there will be a time when we can do all this again, but it's going to be probably another two years. I predict it will be longer.

I think Garit and I need to make time for some "me" time. Whether it's accomplished with a babysitter so both of us can go out or each of us take turns watching the kids while we have a half day to ourselves to do whatever we want. What I really can't wait for though, is when the girls will be at the age to where we can all go out together.

This brings me back to feeling guilty again but for a different reason. Not because I shouldn't feel this way, but I need to enjoy the here and now. Once we actually get to the point to where we aren't as tied down, I'm sure I'll be looking back wishing I had more time with them when they were little. Lesson learned. Enjoy the now.

colors and cookies

Yesterday was a really rough day for me with the girls. My friend Hannah came to visit, which was wonderful! However, I was rather sleep deprived (which isn't a rare thing around the house these days) and the girls and I started our day at 5 am. Hayden never wakes up this early, making her super tired by 8 am...but of course she wouldn't nap.

So, I had a child that desperately needed to nap, but refused because we had a guest over (she absolutely loves Hannah) and it seemed as though melt downs were happening everytime I opened my mouth-no matter what was coming out of it. I could have asked her if she wanted a cookie and she would have thrown herself on the floor. This girl needed sleep. Enough said.

Speaking of cookies, I somehow was able to muster up enough energy to bake cookies while the girls took their nap. They were mighty yummy. Even Hayden thought so (not refusing cookies today, obviously).

Because she was behaving so well today, I decided to bring out her favorite coloring book while she watched her favorite show "Bubble Guppies". Baby Bailey was content sleeping in her swing. She wanted to be held most of the day. I didn't complain too much, I can't believe she's two weeks tomorrow.

While the girls seemed to have had a great day, so did I. I got to play with my camera after blowing off the dust that had settled on it. I'm a bit sore after getting in odd positions to get the shots I wanted, but it's all worth it. I'm so happy the camera is out to stay again (which means you get to see more pictures...I know how much you all love my pictures ;)

PS my child rarely wears pants while in the house. Don't ask me why. It just ends up that way.